We don’t often talk about how hard it can be to live in the northland. Depression can be a really good friend. The cold, the dark, the isolation, all handy to drown yourself in and this year has been especially hard. The winter has been endless and the hope of spring a figment of our imagination. It’s May and only now greening up. The ground is still too wet to do much outside. Just like the clouds in the sky that slow down everything, there is a blanket over my world blinding me and I cannot move forward. The yard is still in-between and so am I.

After the loss of my cat it seems my mind took a much needed vacation and I have been unable to see in front of me. I can’t hold my concentration and the veil over my eyes is wearing thin I see this ugly world. Much worse is the hard awareness that I held onto the strangling ends of my previous spiritual group in hopes of its resurrection, for far too long. And this has made my present day, (big pause) empty. Where do you turn when your spiritual community is gone and both schools of yoga that I hold certifications, in troubling situations? My past is not only gone but the framework and foundation have been destroyed.

Am I really supposed to rebuild again?

I am not young anymore and more importantly not that interested.

Yay, that’s the problem, my entire life I have tried too find a place to fit in and be accepted for who I am, sound familiar? My beliefs have been outside of mainstream causing a separation that yoga and new age groups could fill, and did for a time. But having been so trusting as to be taken advantage of, has stopped any further inquiry of any spiritual group if the leader of the pact is a man. As you get older you understand why women who are alone retreat from this family based coupled up world, we just don’t fit.

It’s also the reason cults can get so close, it feels good to be seen. Not so good to get caught in a net or worse a web of lies. Ugg the work to get back out….

So now what? More in between. Because I’m not jumping off my rock until I KNOW which way to go.