When I rewatched the Bikram documentary I was number 1, sickened, but then you or I noticed something, the girls who came forward to talk were part of an audience of his students. When he the rapist Bikram, let’s call him what he is, invited someone to see him in his room after regular hours it was no different than Weinstein inviting actresses to his hotel room or office to see what he could do for them, after they did something for him. It was a set up for private time not a business arrangement. Or not an enhanced business arrangement.

Bikram like Weinstein held all the cards, did you want to play or not. So in Bikram’s yoga world if you wanted a studio you went through him, or under him if you were attractive. One of the guys interviewed was a friend of one of the girls attacked and at first his desire to disregard her plight was wrapped around the notion he had been greatly helped by Bikram’s program, so how could Bikram be “so bad”, thus the trap. When the power sits in the lap of a powerful man what do you do?

In my story with “The Teacher” he was less overt in his ways, and you would be sending him checks and doing what he asked because he had helped you so much and you were so grateful. He acted like my friend and of course I thought he was my friend. He certainly didn’t tell me he used to work for Yogi Bhajan, or even that he had a yoga studio. He acted like a spiritual teacher that had a private practice seeing students and helping people heal. It was months before I knew who he was. As I have said I was from a small world and so sick that all his magic tricks looked like magic to me. If it acts like a duck and quacks like a duck….

After I began to actually feel better, took almost 4 years of hard work, I began to notice things. Once we walked to get him a better tv and I stood there helping the sales guy find the right size and boom we were at check out and swear to God he paused… waiting to see if I would get my wallet out. He may not have remembered I have a son who has had addiction issues and I have been played like this before. It was the first time that sensation went off in my stomach. Of course he then reached for his wallet and then paid for it. Was this before or after he got a huge donation from the family trust I had access to…who knows my memory sucks.

But what I can tell you is that my assistant’s hackles went up and my husband at the time was getting pissed off by the inordinate amount of time I was spending with him. Now he kept that part above board always seeing me during the day. What sent me reeling was when I wanted to write a book about my healing, and that’s no joke. I did go from being in bed to up and around, it was miraculous, but also something I did, me, by putting in time with my body and following healing protocols that gave me a boost and led ultimately to my healing.

Anyway, I spent a great deal of time on the book singing his praises and giving details of my life and how I used his teachings to help me. I was so proud of that book. Well he wanted to print it as he was also into publishing material. He wanted $15,000 to do my book. Unlike a publishing house that pays an artist he wanted me to pay for it. So his person could edit it, and his person type set it, and his person do the cover, and then I guess he would promote but my inner bitch screamed right at him. And then my husband screamed at me, what the ever loving hell have you gotten yourself into, so I got my self back out. They never returned the copy of my book. I self published with my daughters help for less than $2500. Greedy asshole!

It’s the insidious nature of takers to make things your fault, or say you misunderstood. He, after spending so much time with me acting as my friend had more than enough information in how to play me. But he must have not actually understood the power of a red neck raised girl, we don’t take shit once we are aware of the smell of shit. So I had known for a while that something was off but whether or not I kept forgetting or just getting sick again, I continued to want to be near him, and worse be seen as a “GOOD girl, and even better student.

He was suppose to be my master, what kind of horseshoe is that! These days women fight against this kind of thinking and there I was sinking my teeth into it. And lets not forget that I went back for more abuse and he asked for more money even after this incident. Of course I thought I had a lock down on him and just wouldn’t engage in that behavior, or fall for it again. Let him find someone else.

Oh he had someone else, there were a lot of someone else. His favorite way to start a conversation is my beloved.

Let’s just say that those words now make me choke.

More later, oh these are my words my feelings and the pictures are just pictures, when I am able to say his name I will. That’s what trauma does…