It has taken years for me to understand the level of trauma I was born into. A long story short…My mother was adopted and claimed to not know much about her family of origin, my Dad was a red neck simple angry man, our house was filled with secrets. They both had very public jobs so those secrets had to stay secrets and my mom died with most of hers. Then my dad died and that was it. No family left just broken humans. So normality was never on the table.

I had my first child at 18 my 3rd at 23! My first husband was also adopted and had no knowledge of his parentage. And that is how my children came into the world surrounded by trauma. Something I wasn’t aware of because I was swimming in it, all of us were. My mother and father and everyone I knew. Secrets breed secrets. We all kept our shit to ourselves which is most unhelpful for healthy living.

By the time I get to the teacher who “helped me”, I am in my 40’s with my health tanking out and my children are worried. At the same time my grandmother dies followed by my mother. This is who met the teacher.

I was on a health crusade because of my endless illness and I was also innately spiritual. As a scared little girl that seemed right, someone other worldly would need to help me, the humans in charge of me weren’t that smart and very abusive in numerous ways. Always on the down low, you know secrets.

Enter the teacher close to God and big white teeth smile. You know a spiritual teacher.

My heath was so bad and I was desperate for help, I was ripe for the picking… Mostly undiagnosed stuff, women’s stuff, chronic fatigue, chronic migraines, and bus loads of pain. Can’t live with guilt, it tears you apart. So teacher came into my heart to help heal me. Or that is the story I was telling myself because I had incidentally married a very rich man. I got to hunt for my healing as the doctors could do nothing but prescribe pills. Lucky right?

It took nearly 4 years of working with him to get my self up and able to get out of bed and on my feet. Back to teaching. Boy was I grateful. And I was willing to buy his love and wouldn’t you know he let me. He charged me for every little thing he could think of. He would have me come for lessons and have his secretary call me as soon as I hit the sidewalk, so he could be paid. He was so money hungry and my husband was loaded and my assistant took care of everything it just didn’t mean anything to me at the time, I was getting better. The amount of money I spent during those years chokes me up.

My husband abruptly left me, who wouldn’t I was insane for wanting the teacher to like me and continue to help me become strong again. I was intoxicated and fucked my life because of it. I lost everything in 20 minutes. A new hire quit suddenly causing my assistant to quit followed by my husband texting me that I was fired, yes I was fired from marriage, rich people do what they want. He drained my trust and took my credit cards, fell in love with a student and gave her my studio and another girlfriend continued to work for him. I seemed to have no loyalty among the people who were “for” me, they were there for the money.

But then it was gone and wouldn’t you know it teacher starts crawling on his belly looking for the door. All of the sudden he couldn’t be reached by phone. All of the sudden he was SO busy. Needless to say, mr psychic who knew very well the nature of my past pretty much reached into my vulnerabilities to get what he wanted and thus the Yogi Bhajan school of get the fuck out you are no longer useful, tell her we don’t need her. Yeah big God loving teacher became his dark self right in front of me.

And I enacted trauma brain, I was a mess. He had yogi bhajaned me, made it look like he wasn’t in charge of suddenly not wanting to see me, as if if wasn’t because I didn’t have access to husbands money. But not before sending me to open him a studio on my dime telling me they would help with the financing. Holy shit the stupidity. Did I really not know he was giving it to me up the ass. He took that shit away because I barked. I said you said, and that was enough, something about not questioning the teacher. Trauma that’s trauma, that’s intentional use of abusive tactics to control people. So you don’t need to be raped to be raped of your money and self worth.

And they get away with it, over and over again. Because us trauma sufferers keep our mouths shut out of shame. Same shit that made me sick was making me sick again. And it had the taste of a man who claimed to be a man of God.

Every time I read about another abusive teacher’s antics, Yogi Bhajan, Bikram, John Friend, the list is so long I think about the seemingly lesser abuse of money. Sexual abuse is awful but being taken because of money smells bad too. Women can easily be taken in this way, to be made to feel special, because how amazing that you are supporting the teacher who saved you. Until you read the actual spiritual literature that tells you, know one saves us but ourselves. The light within me can become dull, hidden but not destroyed. We can save ourselves.

I did that, I saved my self by lightening up my own body engine, learning it and loving it. And this has taken 13 years past being thrown away. My undiagnosed trauma world and constant need to Blame myself nearly destroyed my life, over and over again. But yoga gave me back my power, not just the poses for the bodies health but the work with the mind, and learning the strength of my spirit.

Teachers can prey on us but it is us who have to release ourselves to see the truth. My dad made me believe a man was more powerful than me, I would never account for much as I was just a girl, my mother fed me similar lines so let me introduce you to my daughter who will kick your ass and teach you your strength. Let me introduce you to my eldest who with horrifying abuse has saved himself and is starting to thrive. And my youngest who moved across the country to be his own self living a highly successful life.

We can be trauma filled and raise children who watch us because when we use wisdom to rise we can come back into our powerful self and begin to thrive. It’s information for them, power for them. I want and need them to thrive. I want you to thrive. We deserve to thrive. They cannot take what you do not give. Cults are all the same, this shit happens in churches and the people are filled with shame and say nothing and it goes on. It has to stop.

It has to stop!